In the presence of abstainers, I never thought about drinking.
Jack London
Quitting drinking is difficult, but possible. Only a truly loving loved one can help in such a situation. Those who try to help an alcoholic stop drinking, save him to solve some of their problems (for example housing), will get nothing. Even love alone isn't enough to help get rid of the hardest addiction, you still need to know what to do. Since it happens that the strongest and noblest human feeling in a given situation causes relatives, saving an alcoholic, to create the wrong stereotype of relationships with him. As a result, they only contribute to the development of alcoholism and become codependent themselves.
The traditional role played by relatives of alcoholics, most often the wife, is the role of "nanny". In the classic version, the "nanny" does everything possible and impossible to keep the family afloat, and the people around them are unaware of an alcohol problem. She provides for the family, maintains order in the house, brings up the children, and this education also has its characteristics: children from an early age are taught not to take "dirty laundry in public". The relationship with the drinking "half" of the "nanny" depends on the state in which this "half" is. During a binge the "nanny" looks after an alcoholic: she finds him in the places where she drinks, and takes him home; she calls to work and says he is sick; tries to neutralize his aggression, often enduring beatings and insults; she feeds it and washes it.
During a sober period, the "nanny" can continue to patronize and please the alcoholic, hoping in this way to prevent him from drinking, or, conversely, as if she were acting, burden him with various acts and duties. In both cases, after some time, another binge develops and everything starts all over again. Such a cyclic relationship algorithm can exist for an arbitrarily long time. Not only does the "nanny" with her actions only aggravate the development of alcoholism, - in the end, she herself can no longer live differently. This is why wives of alcoholics so often, when they remarry, again choose drunkards or drug addicts as companions.
The general rule for all relatives, regardless of who is sick with them - husband, wife, father, mother, son, daughter - is to do nothing that contributes to the development of addiction. This means the following:
The person who drinks has to solve her problems on her own.
Well, since he creates them himself, let him decide. Otherwise, he won't have a barrier before the next drink, as he hopes for your help. Sometimes it comes to the absurd: the husband has spent the entire "family pot" on drinking, there is nothing in the house, and the wife goes around her acquaintances, borrows money to pay off her husband's debts , which he did during the binge.
Trying to save, it is not necessary to call an alcoholic at work and say that he is seriously and suddenly ill. First, it is not good to cheat: do not set a bad example for children; secondly, after two or three such calls, no one will simply believe you and at least they will quietly laugh at you; and thirdly - today you will save him from a simple beating, which, perhaps, would have stopped him, and tomorrow he will drink even stronger and eventually lose his job.
It is completely unacceptable, from our point of view, the situation where compassionate relatives buy alcohol themselves to get an alcoholic drunk. With the same success, you can offer a loved one drugs or some other poison.
the treatment is not always pleasant and painless.
If, for example, a person has an abscess somewhere on his body, you can hide it under clothes, pour deodorants so that there is no smell, create greenhouse conditions for a person so that he moves less and does not feel ache. As a result, all this will lead to the development of sepsis and death. If, despite the pain, an abscess is opened, a course of antibiotics is "punctured", although this is also quite painful, then there is a high probability that the person will recover.
You have to keep your promises, and if you can't keep them, then it's best not to give them.
Alcoholics, fired people and drug addicts are very sensitive to where something can be obtained and where there will be categorical rejection. In this regard, they are like children, and often one should communicate with them as with children: where necessary - praise and where necessary - punish. But not a single, even the most insignificant episode associated with alcohol use should be left without your attention and, of course, the degree of "punishment" must match the degree of "offense". And don't get confused by the solid age and representative appearance of the "culprit". Healthy carrot and stick policies often work well across a wide range of ages and social backgrounds.
So, for example, if a wife promises her husband that in case of another binge she will divorce him, and he literally comes "on the eyebrows" that evening, then at least the next day she should write a divorce statement and ask her husband to sign that you agree. The application submitted to the registry office can always be withdrawn, but practice shows: such decisive actions make the husband think about his problems much faster than numerous reproaches and broken promises.
Your attitude towards alcohol should be consistently negative.
Any alcohol consumption, even the slightest, even the smell of fumes, should not remain without your negative rating. This doesn't mean you have to make a scandal every time the dishes are broken. In no case should it be done - such "showdowns" will only lead to the fact that an alcoholic with a clear conscience will "relieve stress" and gladly tell sympathetic drinking buddies that he is a bitch his wife and that he drinks exclusively because of her. Such situations should be calmly discussed, of course - on a sober head, their reasons should be analyzed and real conclusions drawn. It should look something like this:
- Dear! You drank again at a party yesterday, despite your promise not to. It was very unpleasant for me, because at the end of the evening you looked completely indecent, and coming back to you was just scary, you acted so aggressively.
- You see, yesterday I was in a bad mood because of problems at work and I decided to drink a little, so as not to spoil the mood of others with my appearance. And next to me was the husband of the hostess, who kept pouring for me all the time, so I didn't have time to eat. And the vodka was probably of poor quality - I still have a headache. This is probably why I exaggerated.
-It seemed to me that if a man gives his word, then he should keep it! And it turns out it's easier for you to break your promise than to say "no" when they pour you vodka!
- To understand. . .
- No I do not understand! Let's not fool ourselves! Over the past year, more and more often we have to talk about it - I think it's time to consult with specialists.
- You need you and be treated.
- Firstly, we need both of them and secondly, no one will treat you, we will only talk with a psychotherapist about how to behave in certain situations related to drinking.
Sometimes such a conversation is enough for a person with alcohol problems to agree to come to us, but more often he resists in every possible way, referring to the lack of free time, the uselessness of this visit and many other "valid" reasons. You have to be adamant and with each new episode of alcohol, insist more and more decisively on your own. Also, if conversations are ineffective, don't hesitate to use other methods of pressure, which your intuition and knowledge of your loved one's character should suggest. By the way, do not forget to periodically remind that in developed countries every more or less self-respecting person has his own psychologist, with whom he periodically meets. And not having it is as embarrassing as, for example, riding a hunchbacked "Zaporozhets".
All conversations with an alcoholic should have a specific logical ending.
Any conversation you have, any dispute over an existing alcohol problem should end with some kind of constructive decision. Under no circumstances should you stop halfway and allow your patient's alcoholic "me" to fool everyone once again and force them to postpone true anti-alcoholic actions indefinitely. As such conversations usually end with the alcoholic's promise to stop drinking, and everyone formally calms down. It is clear that after a while everything repeats itself again, and so on - indefinitely. So, if your drinking relative tells you that he understood everything, realized, deeply regrets and will no longer be the case, take his word from him that if he drinks one more time (no matter how much), you will go together with a psychologist.
When saving from drunkenness, do not drink in the presence of an alcoholic.
The smartest thing the patient's relatives can do is also not to drink or keep alcoholic beverages at home. Alcohol in such a house can only be in one form - as part of external disinfectants (iodine, bright green and the like). And although many of our patients, who have not been drinking for many years, feel completely safe in drinking companies and are indifferent to alcohol, it is best to play it safe. The fewer provoking factors, the calmer. This is first, and secondly, remember the following:
The situation is not very promising when an alcoholic, who categorically does not consider himself as such, educates and tries to help another more "successful" alcoholic to create (together with the Green Snake) everyday and social problems. It is clear that calls for a sober life sound unconvincing if they spit fumes at you, and the difference between a sick person and a similar "healthy" person is that the latter has not yet lost his job and his wife has not yet. left .
Don't hide the fact that your loved one has a drinking problem.
This is not an urgent need to tell everyone about your husband's drunken antics. No, but you mustn't deceive anyone, mislead anyone, pretending to know nothing. Under no circumstances should you fool children, let alone force them to tell a lie. As a rule, they know and understand everything perfectly.
If you are sure that involving people who have an influence on the alcoholic in solving the problem - parents, adult children, friends, bosses, colleagues - will help promote the cause, don't hesitate to tell them everything and ask for help.
The conversation with the alcoholic must be substantial.
It is not enough to say that he drinks a lot and often. For him this is an empty sentence. You need to prepare in advance for a conversation with an alcoholic, especially if you are planning to involve someone else in this. To do this, it will be useful to record the frequency of alcohol episodes, the degree of intoxication and behavior in this state. Simply put, you need to keep a diary and preferably with illustrations. That is, if it is possible to film drunken flights on video, this must be done and you will discuss the moral and moral aspects of such actions when saving your loved one about the consequences of a serious and incurable disease.
The alcoholic must receive objective information about his illness.
A person who drinks unconsciously perceives any information unilaterally: he hears and sees only what he wants and what he doesn't want - he ignores it, without paying attention to it. Of course, only that information is allowed in consciousness which does not harm the friendship with the Green Snake. The role of the censor is played by that very alcoholic self, the inner voice that sounds inside every alcoholic and in every possible way justifies, disguises, adjusts everything related to drinking to the norm.
In this regard, in order for all negative information about the disease and its consequences to reach the recipient, it is necessary to approach the solution of the problem creatively. You're not going anywhere if you stick newspaper clippings and anti-alcohol posters all over the walls. But if, as if by chance, you say that one of your mutual acquaintances, who, by the way, was several years younger than you, is already in the other world, and his next binge is to blame for it, an alcoholic might become thoughtful.
One of our patients "woke up" (in his words) after barely recognizing his schoolmate in one of the homeless people rummaging through the garbage.
Make sure you let the alcoholic read our book, it is specially written so that it is interesting for everyone to read.
Help the sober "I" of the alcoholic.
Don't wait for the alcoholic to start changing his life stereotype, but actively (but not intrusive) help him with this. Take it to cinemas, theaters, sports fields, take it out of town, introduce it to interesting people. The alcoholic himself (if, of course, he is still socially adapted) is often very difficult to do, since he is in constant temporal difficulty: the lion's share of his time is taken by the green snake. And he has already lost the habit of such events, he does not know which way to approach.